Reflections on Lockdown
First published in Fine and Dandy’s ‘Nothing In The Diary Diary’
I feel a bit of a fraud submitting a blog to the ‘nothing in the diary diary’. The truth is I’ve been quite busy. I’ve been very fortunate to have had some script deadlines over this period, and legally being forced to stay in my house has actually been rather helpful in making me do the work. Although I’m sure this was not the government’s main intention from the policy. I’ve been holed up in my office, hunched over my laptop, fretting away about scene structure and consistent characterisations. I’m ashamed to say that at points I’ve become so engrossed in the writing, I’ve completely forgotten the international pandemic which is taking place outside, I’ve even been heard to say “god this is hard work”, before being swiftly reminded by my girlfriend that relatively speaking, being on the front line of the health service with insufficient PPE is probably worse than writing ten variations on the same nob gag.
During lockdown I’ve moved into my girlfriends parents’ house in Clapham, South London. It is very generous of them to open up their home to me, but it is a rather extreme way to get to know the potential future in-laws. Are you suitable for my daughter? Well let’s find out by staying in close proximity to you indefinitely, with a limited supply of loo roll. Christmas will seem like a doddle after this. In a nice twist on the stereotype, Lily, my partner, and I cook food most nights and her parents wait to be called in for their dinner. Lily and I then get angry at them for not being grateful enough and say things like … “we’re sick of being taken for granted”, “the least you can do is clean up”, “what did your last slave die of?” and “yes sorry, thanks again for letting me live here rent free during a global pandemic, I’ll do the washing up”.
We all know that when we go back to our parents’ house for a prolonged period of time we tend to regress back into our child-like habits. I assumed this process only occurred when I went back to my own parents, but no, I can confirm I am able to regress under the guardianship of other people’s parents too. Other than cooking them dinner, they pretty much do everything else. Lily’s mum made me fairy cakes the other day, I ate them all in one day and made myself feel sick. Classic ten-year-old Steve behaviour. Lily has restarted playing a game called Animal Crossing, which she was addicted to during her early teens. From what I can gather it is basically a more wholesome version of Sims with the addictiveness of Football Manager. The game doesn’t appeal to me, there doesn’t seem to be a clear end point, if you can’t win, I don’t see what the point is. She’s tried to explain to me the thrill she gets from catching a butterfly with a net she built out of tree branches and taking it to Blathers the middle aged owl in a waist coast who runs the museum, while apologising to him because he doesn’t like insects and prefers to talk about fossils or fish, but I don’t understand what any of that means, and although I have literally all the time in the world, I have no inclination to learn. There is a teenage quality to my lockdown lifestyle, I get up late, begrudgingly do some work, eat dinner with parents in the evening and then at night I chat to friends on Houseparty which is basically 2020’s MSN.
If I could turn back time to just before lockdown there are two things I would have told myself, buy shares in Zoom, and read some general knowledge books pal, because your lack of broad fact-based intelligence is about to be brutally exposed on an almost nightly basis. The other night I was participating in a quiz with a bunch of smarter comedians than me and when it came to marking our own scores I had the humiliating experience of having to announce I had only got 3 correct answers out of 25 in the first section. Made worse by the internet connection being unstable meaning I had to repeat my pathetic score two more times to make sure everybody heard what a dunce I was. I understand people enjoy a quiz, but can’t we vary it up a bit? Do some other activities which usually take place in pubs, let’s do some zoom karaoke! (With the added bonus of being able to mute people.) It is lovely how keen people are to connect socially in inventive ways. To ensure I get invited to more virtual events I’ve even considered buying Zoom Pro. Having Zoom Pro is the equivalent of having a car in sixth form. You may not be the most fun person at the party but oh boy you’ll get invited because they need you for practical reasons. Without you their zoom gatherings will be cut short at the 40-minute mark which would only be one third of the way through their hilarious ‘Friends’ quiz.
A few last lockdown thoughts”:
- I think Charles and Diana Ingram did cheat, but I do not believe there was compelling enough evidence for the jury to have no reasonable doubt.
- This must be an incredibly difficult time for Jehovah’s witnesses.
- Carol did kill her husband.
- If I don’t do it now it is unlikely I will ever start learning the piano.
- Millennials are destroying Tik Tok.
- Dogs for the first time ever are going to be delighted when we leave the house rather than when we come home.
Thanks for reading, I’m off to sign up to Zoom Pro because I’ve got a karaoke to organise.
